JACKSONVILLE – In a scene described as both “grotesque” and “kind of funny” by witnesses, paramedics were once again forced to exhume local resident Rick Diddleson’s penis from a hand dryer. An avid fan of both the Jacksonville Jaguars and putting his penis in electrical appliances, Diddleson asked for understanding about the “freak accident” that “could really happy to anyone.” Despite it being the third time this month that Chalupa sales were interrupted by the man’s genitalia, bystanders reported a feeling of perverted sympathy for the man whose sexual organs became fused with the interior of a Taco Bell EZ-Dry 2000. “I used to use that dryer all the time,” said Doritos Locos enthusiast and onlooker Zane Pearl. “Now it just feels weird, because, you know, he put his dick in it.” As of press time, Taco Bell manager Jorge Diego reported an influx in quarterly sales, noting that it was probably the most positive experience a Taco Bell customer has ever had in its restrooms.
WASHINGTON – According to a poll released Wednesday, Anderson Cooper has come out as the leading sex fantasy of girls who don’t understand sexuality, making the openly gay news anchor one of the most irrational sexual catalysts in the country. In the poll, conducted by the Pew Research Center, Cooper led among demographics other than senior women that believed homosexuality is a product of not having enough fiber. “Across the board, women of all ages who don’t understand sexual preference were far more likely to choose Cooper over any other candidate,” said Simon Hastings, statistician at the University of Maryland and gay enthusiast. “In fact, they were the largest supporters of Cooper amongst all demographics, even more than straight men that do understand sexuality.” Cooper’s popularity has been steadily rising over the past few years, due in large part to the success of his show AC360 on CNN and regularly being retweeted by The View’s Joy Behar. “He’s a damn fine looking man,” said pollster Eve Plumb. “Hell, sometimes I wish I didn’t know as much as I do about sexuality. I’d take him to my loft, pop a couple Ambien, and spread my legs like warm butter on a hot biscuit. Also, he’s a very competent newsman,That probably accounts for much of the appeal.” Cooper’s boyfriend, Ben Maisani, has been hesitant about commenting on the findings of the poll, only choosing to give a brief statement to reporters outside of his home in the West Village. “What other people think about while having sex is none of my business,” said Maisani. “I’m just happy that middle-aged housewives and Mormons can agree with me that there is no one in the world they would rather get plowed by than the love of my life.” Cooper was not the only confusing fantasy for sexuality-challenged women. Other notable gay celebrities made the list as well, such as Neil Patrick Harris, Harvey Milk, and Elmo. “Women just can’t seem to get enough of gay celebrities these days,” said celebrity blogger Perez Hilton. “Before you know it, we will be voting for our first gay president. You know, other than Kennedy.” A follow-up poll released by Pew indicated that, of the women confused by sexuality fantasizing about Cooper, 75% would prefer if Rachel Maddow watched, but did not participate in, their love-making.
PHILADELPHIA – After finding a duffel bag full of racially diverse adult DVDs in the closet of her boyfriend, James Crowe, local girlfriend Andrea McDougal breathed a sigh of relief for the fact that she isn’t in a relationship with a complete racist. “Some of the stuff in here is pretty adventurous for James,” said McDougal as she combed through the large collection of videos, the majority of which are set in a Harlem jail cell. “It’s nice to know that deep down he doesn’t hate everyone. See, this one – The ASS-ASS-ination of Malcolm XXX – is all about politics and the American dream.” The discovery came when Crowe, McDougal’s boyfriend of two years, asked her to move in with him. “I wanted to make sure that there weren’t any skeletons in his closet before I agreed to anything,” McDougal admitted. “And after I moved the actual skeleton aside, I found the porn. I’m glad I’ve decided to make this commitment to such a worldly man.” As of press time, Crowe, unaware of his girlfriend’s findings, was preparing the bathroom to give McDougal equal amenities, though separate from his own.
DALLAS – Just in time for the holiday season, Southwest Airlines is raising prices for customers traveling with emotional baggage. “While Southwest remains dedicated to providing the same convenient, affordable travel experience that we’ve always been known for,” said Natasha Astles, a customer service representative for Southwest Airlines, “the time has come for us to introduce a slight surcharge on the many forms of emotional baggage that today’s travelers carry with them.” Starting November 25th, Southwest passengers will be charged a $39.99 flat-rate fee that covers unresolved daddy issues, break-up induced guilt and several other types of inner turmoil. “I’m not excited about shelling out an extra 40 bucks every time I fly,” said Paul Berry, a frequent flyer who just can’t get over his ex-girlfriend, “But I guess it’s fair. I am an extremely needy passenger.” Southwest representatives added that they would also be testing out an additional charge of $15.95 for emotional baggage that does not fit in the overhead compartment, including traumatic sexual assault and abandonment issues.
MILWAUKEE – I don’t know if it is just because of these crazy times we’re living in, but picking up women is a lot harder for me than it used to be, especially as a married man. It’s been a long time since I’ve met someone truly special, two decades ago to be exact. I met my wife Charlotte 20 years ago in a Milwaukee Applebee’s. When I saw her from across the bar and asked if I could buy her a Bahama Mama margarita and some Green Bean Crispers during happy hour, I didn’t think for one second that she’d be the waitress I’d end up marrying and growing old with. If the lightning bolt of love can strike once, it can happen again, and soon enough I’ll hopefully have met a voluptuous lady to bring back home to my wife. After birthing three 14lb babies, 46 years of gravity pulling on her swollen bosoms, and the stress of motherhood bringing about female pattern baldness, Charlotte deserves a break from the degradation of me trying to distinguish her vagina from her belly button. Plain and simple: our sex life just isn’t what it used to be. Life has taken its cruel toll on Charlotte’s once bangin’ bod, and I, I mean we, can no longer romance each other without crying afterwards. Sure we tell each other it’s enjoyable, but inside I know I, I mean we, really just say it to make her, I mean each other, happy. Charlotte simply isn’t content with the way that things are going right now. So what better way to spice things up between us than bringing home a significantly younger, sexier woman than my wife for my wife? The presence of a promiscuous 25-year old woman in our bedroom can only help make my, I mean our, sex drives return to working order. A kinky threesome is just the spark we need to get our love life ignited again. What I, I mean Charlotte, needs right now is to be inspired by the sight of me, I mean us, passionately fornicating with a girl who looks like she could be Katy Perry’s hotter, younger sister. The effect of me, I mean us, plowing the vaginal crop of a youthful sex fox can only drive her to rediscover the liveliness and beauty she once exuded. Yup, this is the only logical way. That would have to be the first step in us taking our marriage back. In order to save our marriage, I must traverse the vast seas of love to find the right woman for me, I mean Charlotte, that will reignite the romantic inferno that once burned between our loins. Charlotte deserves happiness in the form of a curvy blonde mistress that pleases me, I mean us, in ways that you only see in pornography hidden in the deepest, darkest parts of the Internet. She’s been so good to the kids and me all these years. I just want her to be happy. You know what, I’d even go as far as saying she’s earned some time off from being a loving mother and wife. I’d happily be willing to let her go on a vacation to wherever she wants in the world to rediscover herself. I wouldn’t mind her being gone for as long as necessary to reinvigorate her life. However long it takes, I’m behind her decisions 100%. It’s all for her. I’ll take care of the kids, no problem. Hell, maybe that new mistress can even help out around the house sometimes. The fact that Charlotte gets hot sauce on the electric bills or somehow misses the toilet doesn’t bother me at all, not one bit. Everything I do is for my wife Charlotte; I love her to no end. If that means forcing myself to mount some pornstar-looking woman for hours on end and trying every position in the Kama sutra, so be it.
According to a study conducted by the Center for Those Without Definite Plans
Yet, Mitch is assuredly still available this Friday night. The study was taken from a population sample of one and has been ongoing for several months. Remarkably, it seems that all results have been consistent and conclusive, with little change in Mitch’s commitment level from week to week. “It’s almost , uncomfortably odd. Over the course of this study there has been no variation in the status of his Friday night plans , and at this point we’re confident that Mitch will be free every Friday night for next 5-6 years.” said lead analyst James DeMarco. “I don’t think he has friends ,” added DeMarco. In recent weeks the subject has reportedly grown insolent with the researchers, filling in his questionnaire with responses like, “It’s too early to tell,” posted at 9:18 PM Friday, “My phone just died so now I can’t read all 12 of the texts I just got,” posted at 9:32 PM, and “hop off my dick,” Posted at 9:33PM. As of press time Mitch was live tweeting Stomp the Yard on ABC Family.
After a particularly tubular wakeboarding accident, revolutionary jaw surgery fails to fix Tony’s stupid smile. “We’re all glad that he’s able to eat solid foods again,” said Tony’s mother, “but we wish the team of doctors could have made Tony look less like an unlovable, gerbil-faced idiot.” Though the pinnacle of medical science was used in reconnecting most of Tony’s shattered jaw line, his dimples and disproportionately large gum-line unfortunately remained intact. “Sometimes I wish Tony had lost all of his teeth. That way he’d have no reason to smile again,” confessed close childhood friend, Reginald. Tony’s family is currently preoccupied with saving up for future medical bills given that it’s only a matter of time before someone punches Tony in his dumbass face.