Jaw Surgery Fails to Fix Tony’s Stupid Smile

After a particularly tubular wakeboarding accident, revolutionary jaw surgery fails to fix Tony’s stupid smile. “We’re all glad that he’s able to eat solid foods again,” said Tony’s mother, “but we wish the team of doctors could have made Tony look less like an unlovable, gerbil-faced idiot.” Though the pinnacle of medical science was used in reconnecting most of Tony’s shattered jaw line, his dimples and disproportionately large gum-line unfortunately remained intact. “Sometimes I wish Tony had lost all of his teeth. That way he’d have no reason to smile again,” confessed close childhood friend, Reginald. Tony’s family is currently preoccupied with saving up for future medical bills given that it’s only a matter of time before someone punches Tony in his dumbass  face.

This entry was posted in November 2012 issue. Bookmark the permalink.