Category Archives: Improvement

Tips for Concision 9: Make independent clauses participial phrases

You can improve concision by turning independent clauses into participial phrases.

First, let’s define terms. An independent clause has a subject and a verb and could be a complete sentence by itself. A participial phrase begins with a participle (an –ing verb) and modifies something; participial phrases typically serve as adjectives. Because it’s a phrase, it doesn’t have a subject.

Turning independent clauses into participial phrases means making two sentences into one, but it’s a particular way of doing it. Suppose we have these two sentences:

  • Nunez and Hill had worked at the store together for four years. They had formed a strong friendship.

You can be more concise by converting the second sentence into a participial phrase. Then you can embed it inside the first sentence, setting it off with commas, like this:

  • Nunez and Hill, having worked at the store together for four years, had formed a strong friendship.

Or use it to begin the sentence, like this:

  • Having worked at the store together for four years, Nunez and Hill had formed a strong friendship.

The original is 18 words, and the revisions are both 17. Granted that one word is a modest gain in concision, that is often how concision works: rather than one big edit that saves many words, you make many small edits that add up.

Tips for Concision 8: Edit for Wordiness

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Wordiness would cover most of the concision techniques discussed in this series, such as omit needless details, deflate compound prepositions, and remove redundancy, but now let’s focus on commonly used phrases you can almost always shorten:

  • prior to becomes before
  • subsequent to becomes after
  • adjacent to becomes next to

Want more?

  • a number of becomes many
  • at the present time becomes now
  • at such time as becomes when
  • despite the fact that becomes although
  • during such time as becomes while
  • for the purpose of becomes to
  • in excess of becomes more than or over
  • in the event that becomes if
  • notwithstanding the fact that becomes although
  • on a daily [monthly, yearly] basis becomes daily [monthly, yearly]

To achieve concision, edit for wordiness—and then reduce big words while you’re at it:

  • adequate number of becomes sufficient

then–

  • sufficient becomes enough

Tips for concision: 7. Omit needless details

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Omit needless details

If a detail isn’t relevant or useful, omit it. In legal writing, needless details often appear as names and dates.

Larding a statement of facts with dates annoys some readers, including judges: “Most dates are clutter,” says Judge Mark Painter in his book The Legal Writer. And names can be clutter, too, if the people named aren’t important or won’t be mentioned again.

Using a specific name or date tells the reader it’s important; often it’s not. Here’s an example with a date and three full names:

  • On April 4, 2008, Isam Yasar alleged that his supervisor, Russell Dunagan, told him that if Yasar continued to complain, Dunagan would have to discipline and possibly terminate a fellow Muslim and Yasar’s co-worker, James Lira.

As you edit this sentence, think about the story you’re telling and the points you’ll argue. If April 4 isn’t important and won’t appear again, omit it. As for the names, let’s imagine that Isam Yasar and James Lira are important characters you’ll mention several times. Leave them alone. But let’s imagine that Russell Dunagan is not important, so you can call him the supervisor.

  • Isam Yasar alleged that his supervisor told him that if Yasar continued to complain, the supervisor would have to discipline and possibly terminate a fellow Muslim and Yasar’s co-worker, James Lira.

Same content, but now it’s down from 35 words to 30. Concision.

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Tips for Concision: 6. Deflate compound prepositions

Deflate compound prepositions.

Compound prepositions are prepositions on steroids. Instead of being concise and simple, they’re puffed up, like for the purpose of, by means of, and with reference to.

In Plain English for Lawyers, Richard Wydick says they “suck the vital juices from your writing.” He offers some of his least favorites: by virtue of, in relation to, and with a view toward. And in The Grammatical Lawyer, Morton Freeman calls them “drawn-out prepositional phrases” (an apt name). He particularly dislikes during the course of, in terms of, and on the part of.

They’re almost always unnecessary, so deflate them. For example, the compound prepositions in the next sentence can be easily shortened to one word:

  • The attorney spoke to Chris Santiago with regard to (about) the cease-and-desist letter in order to (to) learn its content.

Put them on your editing checklist.

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